Razing the Walls
by Grevola
Summary: We all have walls within ourselves to protect us from the world. But when the time comes, we have to tear the walls down. Post war, Reviews apreaciated.


Disclaimer: *points slightly tarnished paper clip* She made me do it! I don't own anything.  
  
Author's Note: This is probably the deepest thing that I have ever posted, if not written. The song lyrics are copied from the sleeve of R.E.M.'s Green album. This can been seen as a 1+2 or not, however you want to look at it. Please review this one.  
  
  
  
Laying The Soldier To Rest  
  
I sit at my table and wage war on myself  
  
It seems like its all for nothing.  
  
I know the barricades, and  
  
I know the mortar in the wall breaks  
  
I recognize the weapons. I've used them well.  
  
Heero sat quietly at his desk, staring blankly at the computer screen in front of him. He wasn't really working, rather he was thinking. The war was over, it had ended less then twenty four hours previous, and he knew that now it was time to put the 'perfect soldier' away. It was time to be a human again. The only problem was that he had never been any thing but the soldier. He would have to fight for every ounce of humanity and normalcy. The one advantage he had was that he knew every move that the soldier would make.  
  
  
  
I've a rich understanding of my finest defenses:  
  
I proclaim that claims are left unstated,  
  
I demand a rematch.  
  
I decree a stalemated.  
  
I divine my deeper motives.  
  
He knew every single wall he had placed between himself and the world. He decided that he would not trumpet his personal victories to anyone. This was a battle that he wanted to fight alone. No backup, no mission, just himself fighting himself for his humanity.  
  
At first it seemed a hopeless battle, every time he tried to break training he failed. He couldn't be civil to other people, he couldn't even admit to the others that he was fighting these battles. And he knew that they thought he was being unreasonably cold.  
  
But every time that Duo tried to drag him out to 'have some fun' he found himself gaining ground little by little. He couldn't accept the offers without a fight, but he was becoming less and less resistant to the ideas, even being civil when he declined. He would win the fight, but first he had to guess what the next tactic the soldier would take.  
  
I recognize the weapons.  
  
I've practiced them well, I fitted them  
  
Myself.  
  
Its amazing what devices you can sympathize, empathize.  
  
This is my mistake. Let me make it good.  
  
He had guessed correctly, the soldier was targeting attachment as weakness. He knew very well the reasoning that said friends would only lead him into trouble, he had used it himself many times. But now he wanted to be free of those constraints, now he wanted to be a normal human with friends and emotions.  
  
He had been fighting his war for a month when Duo confronted him about it. He had been amazed when he had approached him in their room after dinner one evening. The conversation branded into his memory.  
  
"Hey, Heero. I, uh, wanted to say that you've been acting more human these past few days." Duo was sometimes honest to the point of being blunt.  
  
He made no imeadiate reply, though he wanted to, but he did turn away from his computer, the symbol of his opponent, and give Duo his undivided attention.  
  
"I wanted to let you know that when you're ready to talk, I'm here to listen." Duo then stood, as though he was going to leave.  
  
Heero made a quick decision and won a battle there on the spot. "Duo. It's... Very hard." Now he had to follow through, he had admitted that it was difficult, but he couldn't go so far as to ask for help. He knew that there was only so much help Duo and the others could give him.  
  
I raised the wall and I will be the one to knock it down.  
  
Reach out to me, hold me tight, hold that memory.  
  
Let my machine talk to me, let my machine talk to me.  
  
He watched Duo. Hopping that he would offer his help, even as he reasserted his vow to complete this mission on his own. He knew he was the only one who would be able to exorcise his deacons, but he also knew that it would be easier if some one was trying to help him to be more human.  
  
"I'll help in any way I can. I'm not going to let you spend the rest of your life closed off from the world. You are a human, Heero, and I'm going to tell you that every time I see you until you believe it. You, more than anyone I know, deserve to be human." That said Duo closed the distance between them and pulled Heero into a hug.  
  
He wasn't able to return the gesture, but he did manage to relax slightly after the initial shock. "I know you're a human, Heero. I've seen you break your training before, when you didn't kill me. I know that you'll make it." Duo gave him a final squeeze before releasing him and leaving the room.  
  
Heero stared at his computer screen again. It seemed to be laughing at him, the solider seemed to be mocking him even as he revealed his next plan of attack. Heero knew that the laptop held no more answers then the wall, but it helped to have a focus point for his battle. It was on that flat screen where most of his battles took place.  
  
This is my world, and  
  
I am world leader pretend.  
  
This is my life, and  
  
This is my time.  
  
I have been given the freedom to do as I see fit.  
  
Its high time I razed the walls that I've  
  
Constructed.  
  
This world was something of his creation. He was responsible for the world being in it's present state of peace. In ancient times he would be heralded as the leader of all the human race. As it was he knew that he was the leader of his own life, he no longer had to follow orders, he had freedom. Freedom was a novelty to him, and he made as much use of it as he could.  
  
He thought about his talk with Duo, arriving time and again at the conclusion that it was time to tare down the walls he had built around himself. He would free himself form his self imposed constraints, he was already free of those placed on him by others.  
  
  
  
Its amazing what devices you can sympathize, empathize.  
  
This is my mistake. Let me make it good.  
  
I raised the wall and I will be the one to knock it down.  
  
Every evening after that Duo would talk to him. He had trouble responding to most of the time, but he could listen. Duo used his knack for rambling to name each and every instance when he had shown an emotion, an ounce of humanity. He seemed to notice even Heero's more recent victories, mentioning a raised eyebrow, or a time when his eyes had seemed to sparkle at a joke.  
  
But every night he knew that he was going to have to tare down the wall by himself. No matter how much the others reached out to him, he had to be the one to break out of his shell. He had to want to be human or it wouldn't happen.  
  
It had been a mistake to build the walls around himself so thick, but he vowed to correct it. It wasn't a mission, it was simply something he was going to do for himself.  
  
You fill in the mortar.  
  
You fill in the harmony.  
  
You fill in the mortar.  
  
You fill in the harmony.  
  
I raised the wall and I will be the one to knock it down  
  
Around the third month of his battle the soldier began to use Duo against him. Every instance that Duo mentioned, the soldier wold mention something bad that had come of it. Duo was unwittingly both helping and hurting him. But he had shown Heero how to look at the situations in a positive light. All he had to do was ignore, or better yet, banish the little pessimistic voice in the back of his head.  
  
He decided he would find all of the good that had come from every time that he acted human. What he needed, though, was an action that would have only a positive outcome.  
  
The soldier laughed at him, mocking his every effort to break out of the shell. Thwarting him every time he tried to show emotion around the others.  
  
But one night, he managed to get the best of the soldier. He won the war then. Duo stood to give him a hug, as he had every night that they talked. And Heero managed to return it. He forced his arms to wrap around the slender boy in front of him and return the gesture.  
  
At first it was mechanical, he was forcing his arms to raise and wrap around his friend. He had been watching Duo's face, he knew that if he was rejected the war was lost, if he was accepted then he was one step closer to victory.  
  
Duo smiled, his eyes misting slightly as he hugged Heero back fiercely. "You are a human being, Heero Yuy, you really are."  
  
"I am." He said simply, and with those words he finally defeated the soldier. He would never be able to completely remove him from his mind, but now he, the human Heero, was in control. And the last of the walls came crashing down around him. 


End file.
